We’ve all been there. You wake up, you’re not sure where you are, what year it is or why the fuck you’ve got a traffic cone in your bedroom.
All you know is, if you don’t make it to the bathroom sharpish, your carpet and deposit is done for. You start Googling whether or not you can die from a hangover and convince yourself this is your last day on earth. You can’t give in though; you’ve got plans to go out again tonight and there’s no way your flatmates are letting you wriggle out of it. So what do you do? Thankfully, I’ve been in your position more times than I care to admit, so I’ve got some tried and tested remedies for every type of hangover there is.
1. The Vommer
Quite possibly the worst one going. You try and have a brew, but that’s not happening. You take two paracetamol only for them to come back up again. You’re on your hands and knees in your bathroom, clammy AF, cradling your toilet and begging for death to take you in its sweet embrace.
The force of retching up an empty stomach makes you think it’s all over. All there’s left to do now is shit yourself and you will have officially hit your lowest point. Wouldn’t that just be the icing on the cake? There’s only one thing you can do when a Vommer strikes – ride it out, until there’s nothing left to come back up. You want to avoid all and any rich foods on this kind of hangover, so don’t be tempted into a greasy Maccies.
You need a steady flow of water, but not enough to cause sloshy tummy – that’ll send you back to the loo again. Stick to plain foods, such as bread or crackers (fancy, I know) and something with natural energy, like grapes. As soon as you feel you can keep them down, try again with the paracetamol. And for the love of God, don’t drink the same thing tonight that you were drinking last night.
2. The Hammerhead
You might not be able to remember if this feeling is due to the prosecco or if you actually gained a head injury last night, but it’s ruddy painful all the same.
Get yourself a bottle of water, a bottle of Lucozade and a fuck-off packet of paracetamol.
Stay in your room, and turn off the lights. If you do have to go outside at any point remember to bring a pair of trusty sunnies.
Remember: inside good, outside bad.
3. The Fuzz
You’re completely delusional and have zero memory of last night, but you haven’t been sick, andyou don’t have a banging head. That being said, you definitely don’t feel human.
This kind of hangover may seem mild, but sometimes it’s worse than a Vommer, because at least you know then that throwing up will be a source of sweet sweet relief.
Thankfully there’s still an out for you. After testing several combinations of food and drink in an effort to de-fuzz, I’ve found that the best thing you can have is an ice-cold banana milkshake with honey.
Not only is it hella refreshing, but the potassium in the banana and the sugar in the honey should sort you out with some natural energy. You can thank me later.
4. The ‘Fucked It’
You might be feeling a combination of all the above symptoms or none at all, but one thing’s for sure: you definitely pissed some people off last night, lost half your belongings or thought sexting your ex was a stroke of genius.
I know you’re down with session depression, but suck it up because you’ve got rounds to do. First thing’s first – go and make everyone a brew, and then make your apologies. Call the bank, cancel your cards immediately and if the worst has happened, activate Find My iPhone (if you don’t have it installed, do it now – it’s an honest to God life saver)
As for your ex, the only thing that’s gonna make you feel better is probably dousing yourself in holy water and sage. Better luck next time, pal.
5. The Human Dustbin
Ah, my personal favourite kind of hangover. There’s something so reassuring about knowing you can cure yourself a little bit more with every mouthful. The only hard bit now is deciding whether to go for a Chinese or a Maccies. How about both? Bliss.
If your wallet is feeling a little sparse after the night before, cheese on toast is equally comforting, and if you have no shame like me, peanut butter straight from the jar.
6. The Still Pissed
You poor soul. It hasn’t hit you yet, has it? If you’re bursting into giggle fits every 10 minutes and are feeling suspiciously cheery, you’re almost definitely still pissed. The best thing you can do is get as much caffeine and water in your system as possible now whilst you still feel able. In a few hours you’ll get smacked with the delayed consequences of that 5th tequila shot and you’re going to want to end it all.
The faster you act, the safer you’ll be.
So there you have it! I hope I’ve been of some assistance, and you’ll know what to do next time a hangover strikes.
But it might be time to delete your ex’s number.
Written by: Eve Young, @evelilyyoung
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